Button

Darling, you silly button
Come round to my place for tea
I used to know you once upon a time
before you lost your memory
 
Darling you're as dumb as a button
I like you much better this way
You used to be overbearingly smart
& negate everything that I say
 
Darling you're as cute as a button
You act so pathetically
I can't resist taking care of you
& behaving with chivalry
 
Darling your head's full of buttons
Peanuts, & jelly, & hay
I want to pat my hand on your head
& tell you everything is OK

Herbert

Albert

You'll never be Herbert

No matter how hard you should try

Herbert

is better than you, dear

Oh, Herbert is a real stellar guy

He's much more man than you

Next to him you're just a boob

when I think of him I just sigh

And you dear

You're my buddy, Albert

You're a dog, personified

Guinea Pig

I wish that I had a guinea pig
They're the cutest things I've ever seen
Their little noses and rose-petal ears
at my house would make true a dream
 
I secretly kidnapped a guinea pig
by the hair of its chinny chin chin
I smuggled it home down my trouser leg
it was worth all the torn, shredded skin
 
I'm very fond of my guinea pig
I love him dearly, indeed
I get to cuddle and squeeze him tight
his name is Alfonso Gottfried
 
I've become scared of my guinea pig
he wibbles so menacingly
he stares at me coldly with tiny eyes
and nibbles his lettuce for tea
 
He tries to tell me with guinea Morse code
spelled out carefully with his poo
he's writing a novel in so many words
it reads "I'm coming to get you"
 
He plots while he's running on his little wheel -
the points leading to my demise
If I don't keep guard of him throughout the night
I won't live to see the sunrise
 
I had to deal with my guinea pig
It came down to me or him
I had to use the broom more than once
for a moment there I thought he'd win
 
I'm cleaning up my dead guinea pig
He left me a terrible mess
I'll never steal another guinea pig
with my thievery and finesse.



 

Gorgeous

Life is hard when you look like the scum of all the earth
A visual impediment that I've had since my birth
I ask of you to see me as the woman that I am
for underneath the surface I try hard as hard I can
I long to find someone who'll call me friend when they address
They will see more in me than just a hole in a mattress
I cannot help my fate bestowed genetic lottery
I'm more than just a pretty face if you'd get to know me.

Kangaroo

Just because you've got an erection
doesn't mean that I like you
 
I'd rather give my affection
to a bad case of the stomach flu
 
You may think that I am perfection
I question your taste - I really do
 
Cause you're a pervert in my perception
and I am a kangaroo

Do It

If I do it, it means I can do it.

If I did it, I can do it again.

I've got it up my sleeve,

easy to retrieve

for the next time I do it again

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Kate

Kate's a ticking time bomb
& she's on medication
She needs to be around people with shoulders to lean on
Visiting a sky needle - maybe that choice was wrong
 
Cause her head's like a sieve
& she's feeling sensitive
She is on a guided tour & she's lost her will to live
& her peers are not being very supportive
 
& she looks past her feet
to the unforgiving street
& her fantasy of jumping  right now couldn't be beat
Then the tour guide said something & she sat in her seat

Laundry

Doing the laundry

Taking care of business

My flatmate's laundry

It smells delicious

She doesn't know it

I'm in her business

delicate laundry

She is delicious

I am so lucky

I'm surreptitious

Doing her laundry

up in her business

Little Girl's Dresses

When I was a little girl I had no skirts or dresses

Mummy said that farm girls get in way too many messes

It would be a waste of time to dress up cute and pretty

I was forced to wear hand-me-down track suits that were shitty

There was one dress that was saved for a special occasion

The time came to put it on but I'd outgrown the equation

Now that I am a big girl I can dress up to my liking

but dresses for big girls aren't particularly striking

Taunted by the little girls who are dressed up like princesses

Why oh why can't I find any big-size little dresses?

In order to wear the kind of dress that I desire

I'll be forced to Frankenstein one onto my attire

Dolores

My daughter, Dolores, is frightfully gay

My husband and I just don't know what to say

she talks about oppression day after day

we don't know how she could have turned out that way.

So she...wasn't a slut when she hung out with boys

she wasn't just clumsy when she broke her toys

she couldn't be quiet, she had to make noise

completely lacking in charm, grace, and poise.

Refusing her bosoms refuge in a bra

there's no way to tell her she's going too far

put gay bumper stickers all over our car

this silly fad she's in is leaving a scar

She's got a job and she's got a girlfriend

who's a lovely person (we have to pretend)

she arranges rallies, we're forced to attend

for hundreds of chauvinist laws to amend

She accuses men who are trying to be nice

that they are no better than common head lice

her aggression peaks at the roll of a dice

her father and I are as fearful as mice

Beware to men expressing chivalry

She don't know the difference, unfortunately,

while fighting this battle with misogyny

I fear she won't stop till all males start with "Fe".

When she first 'came out', she was a little terse

but that year in prison was all for the worse

she beat up a boy who called her bag a purse

My baby, Dolores, grew to be a curse

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Moral Dilemma

She thought herself impartial, a progressive citizen

Exercising civic duty so that all can win

Though she might not like it she's force herself to agree

With people whose behaviour was not quite her cup of tea

Everyone can have their say & live how they want to

She took pride in non-judgement, that's what people should do

But seeing all perspectives grew increasingly testing

She'd lie in bed & fret her nights away in lieu of resting

& moral saturation took a toll & gave her pains

So she succumbed to decency & blew out both her brains

Miss Min's Forrest

There's a Madame down the street

and she's something of a florist

read the sign hanging out the front

"welcome to Miss Min's Forrest"

reproducing ladies scents

out of shrubbery and fishes

recipients of a bunch

find the occasion auspicious

Women queuing at the door

for their private consultation

Min samples their lady smell

after some masturbation

Special deals for lesbians

who both come in together

twice the whiff in their bouquets

tied up with chains and leather

Buy a nosegay for a man

if you want to get him going

custom fragrances composed

to get his member growing

Miss Min is a true Artiste

no one requests exchangement

looks to me like dead fish in

artistic flower arrangements

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Novelty Shoppe

Tiffany and Tom, they fit each other like a glove.
They were always together, and ever so in love.
 
The married couple liked to visit The Novelty Shoppe.
The shopkeeper was greasy, but that didn't make them stop.
 
Tom induced his Tiffany to release a reaction
When he showed her his face imprinted in a pin contraption.
 
They giggled as they carefully put it back on display
And hopefully it would be there for them another day.
 
Life was grand for Tiffany, and it was grand for Tom
Till he was made a casualty of some guy's homemade bomb
 
Tiffany was mortified and couldn't leave the house
Then she recalled there might be a remainder of her spouse.
 
She ran back to the shop that held so many memories.
The shopkeeper welcomed her in, with all his leers and sleaze.
 
Sure enough, it's on the shelf, the imprint of Tom's face.
She hesitates to pick it up, fearing the pins move place.
 
Tiffany was penniless, cause money was Tom's thing.
To buy it, she considered pawning off her wedding ring.
 
She decides against it and she pleads to the shop man.
Suggests a trade for work - she'll do whatever that she can.
 
The Sleaze-bag comes up with a trade he thinks to be win-win
And all she has to do is pawn herself and sleep with him.
 
Tiffany realises that this is the only way
Cause he was holding Tom's face hostage in the window bay.
 
They go into the back room. She cries as they do the deed.
But at least it was quick and she'd get what they'd agreed.
 
When it was all over, he went back into the store
And left poor Tiffany feeling abused and very raw.
 
She emerged a moment after that traumatic shag
To find the keeper tossing Tom's face in a plastic bag.



 

Nuggets

The girl's got some nuggets

If you care to peek

hot, steamy nuggets

between either cheek

She rivals the boys

-so to speak

nuggets!

The girl's got a sausage

You just gotta see

Big fleshy sausage

with extra gravy

She rivals the boys

-quite comfortably

Sausage!

Number One

She ashes her fag
The way someone would ash their cookie
She goes into her bag
To get out money for the bookie
She places it all on number one
And then sits down at the track to make an evening of fun
 
You can buy her a drink
And she might even say thank you
But she's not what you think
Though she looks just like a skank who
Places all of her dough on number one
She's just a recluse out for an evening of fun
 
She cracks a smile when she wins
And she tries to keep it quiet
Till the next race begins
And she's relieved her liquid diet
She's all by herself and having fun
And losing it all on number one

On My Face

I got a face
& I'm wearing on my face
A pair of glasses that are shiny & new
& on top of my face
Above the glasses on my face
Is not another pair of glasses, but two
On top of that pair
I am persisting to wear
Another pair of glasses that I like a lot
& though I say yes
To several more pairs of lunettes
There are those who would say absolutely not
I'm going to dare
To stack the glasses that I wear
Upon my face till there's no face left over
So many glasses on my face
That when it's time to move their place
I'm going to need the help of a small bulldozer

Petty

All of the groceries I need to get have been soiled by dirty hands

It's like this at home and I can't escape it when I travel to different lands

The markets are all run by foreigners when I stay in my vacation flat

And the misshapen feet of immigrants muddy my home country store's welcome mat

I can't seem to go anywhere where shop assistants are like me

-where the staff don't make idiotic mistakes with the groceries that they sell me

If I were to sell me my shopping, I wouldn't be foreign-that's my fist objective

I wouldn't reek of a funny smell, or be preposterously ineffective

I would make sure to check that the sale price is the one that I am charging

And I would without fail give me correct change and not cut me off, elbows barging

I'd know that I'd budgeted my husband's money that I spend at the grocery store

So that I would have enough left over to buy myself something more

-That new shade of lipstick that caught my attention before getting my groceries

I would give me all of the change I was owed and I won't have to make me say please

And that's what I'd do, and I'd know when I see myself walking out the exit door

That I would be heading to the mall down the road to get that lipstick from Dior

I would feel good that I was involved in my making of this acquisition

And all the while I'm at my cashiers post, maintaining my position

And I would be working diligently with my checkout skills admired

Cause if I were to offer anything less I'd know then that I should be fired

And I wouldn't be able to pay my rent or eat for the following week

My reputation would take a dive and my future would truly be bleak

But this is expected and I'm fine with that because that was the lifestyle I chose

The minimum wage, The 12 hour days, and no freedom to follow my nose

But at least I wouldn't be foreign - I'd have that going for me

And I see myself doing my shopping, then that would make me happy

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Proposal

I'll start to begin to get the ball rolling

You should be with me, and I'm not just cajoling

It's rather important that I marry you

Cause 20 years ago I made a pact with a guy who-

Lost his good looks in the war, now he's just disturbing

He's balled and he smells, it's truly perturbing

We promised each other if we were unwed

We'd hook up together and sleep in the same bed

When I picked up the stick, I got the wrong end

He grosses me out, but he is still my friend

Now you see just why you should marry me

Though you're just the guy who's serving me tea-

I can tell by your accent, you're from somewhere yonder

maybe you need to marry to stay here much longer

I'll make you a citizen

If you help me with the shit I'm in

and marry me, tomorrow, PLEASE!?

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Sanitary Swim

There are shorts and a T-shirt coloured into your skin

You emerge from the waters of your very first swim

I hand you a towel to tie around your waist

You drape it over your shoulders and you pause in one place

You're so proud of yourself and you want everyone to see

And everybody's staring at your bottom bikini

But you're feeling triumphant and you have no regret

You're not even suspicious that your legs are still wet

You decide that you will go back in the water  again

And I can't find the words to describe why you should refrain

I'll take you swimming tomorrow after we make a stop

to buy you some tampons from the pharmacy shop

But you did a good job and yes I am proud of you

And I'll bypass the fact that I'm really embarrassed too.

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Perfect Woman

She smokes like a man, that’s one of her charms
She has anchors tattooed on both her fore arms
She loves watching football, and playing it too,
-and she’ll take off her t-shirt if her goal gets through.
Her body is perfect, and real by all odds
for she was created by randy Greek gods
She eats like a lumberjack, three meals a day
and burns it all off with “rolls in the hay”
She’s not lesbian, but girls, she will bed
and her reputation is pretty wide spread.
For dirty joke telling, she wins the gold cup
She shits sitting down, and pees standing up.
She takes her dog out for hunting and sports
“Cats are for pussies” she frankly reports.
She’s sweaty and smells at the end of the day
like fried, rotten onions and armpit spray.
Her voice is like an angel’s (but a few octaves lower-
providing that angel went through a lawn mower)
She never wears makeup, she hates the stuff
and would rather be seen with her face in the buff.
She kisses her mum, and shakes hands with her dad
She does all this precisely just like a lad.
While fixing her car, she lies on her back
When someone screws up, she’ll give them a whack
Of all the women there ever have been
This fine filly is pronounced the queen.
On her den wall is the head of a moose
Her nick name is “Burly”, and her fist name is Bruce.

Winnie's Loss

Winnie had a weakness she was trying to defeat

So she threw down her candy bar and spat upon the sweet

Then she started feeling guilt for messing up the floor

And she wished that she still had her candy from before

Gift to Men 

If I were the loveliest girl in the world
I'd try very hard to be gay
I'd find a nice girl and take one for the team
cause boys seem to like girls that way
 
Then I'd catch me a man and impostor his mum
I'd feed clean and change him all day
I'd show him how motherly I can become
by wearing my breasts on display
 
I'll keep him keen by treating him mean
he'll never lose interest in me
And I may not know when to quit this charade
but oh how I'd be so lovely!

Play Doctor

The Woo Family are all in quarantine
They have a nice nurse who is sterile and clean
 
 
She gives them injections for things like rabies
and changes their bedpans when they need to pee
 
 
The Woo Family, confused why they're shut in
sometimes they refuse to take their medicine
 
 
They hide in the cupboards and scream when they're found
on locked doors and windows, they pound and they pound
 
 
The Woo Family are in fear for their lives
They don't have the measles and they don't have hives
 
 
Trapped by a tyrant, they're forced to succumb
to pills given orally, or in the bum

Sunshine

The man called her Sunshine and that made her giggle
as she signed for delivery with a line squiggle.
 
She waved at the Postman, who's now on his way,
and sat on the floor with her legs all a-splay.

With a slice of the scissors, the parcel bared all
and out popped a kitten, so cute and so small.
 
The little girl, Sunshine, covered her cheeks
and squealed at the cat's insignificant  squeaks.

She waved at the kitten and packed it away,
to get out and play with on another day.
 
She peeked in the kitchen and waved at her Dad
who was smoking a pipe, looking cheerful and glad.

She went to see Mummy to show off her dress,
and tipped Her urn over and waved at the mess.
 
She opened her toy chest to retrieve her bear
and waved at the man who was hiding in there.

She waved at her bear and then ran outside screaming,
then waved at the Pool-boy, whose hormones were teeming.
 
She waved at the Toy Chest-man, fleeing the grounds.
She waved at the Foreman, releasing the hounds.

She twirled around, gazing up into the sky
and then waved at her Father's bullets going by.
 
She waved at the slug that she’d recently crushed.
She waved with a mania that made her flushed.
She waved at the roses, the grass and the paving.
That's when people noticed she couldn't stop waving.



 

The Onion

As the lady's therapist, for health and state of mind

And I aid  in her progress to leave her horrors behind

For thirty lunar orbits she's melancholy inclined

She became reclusive, and to tears, she was resigned

She has no recollection of the actual event

It was too much to handle, so to exile it was sent

I gave her some protection for her symptoms to prevent

I'm doing it pro bono, I won't even charge a cent

I have her on a project where she goes right to the core

She has to bite the bullet, it will be painful and sore

Exhume the memory, two and half years she did endure

Delve in through all her layers, it will work, of this I'm sure

It's against her nature to peel back her thickened skin

And poke around the tender parts protected from within

She's butchered and she's tortured cutting slices paper thin

Excruciating remedy and course of medicine

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Albertina

A ladybug is usually a sweet little delight
Just like the one on Albertina's seat
But Albertina greeted it with a horrible fright
She screamed and flicked it off the bench and squashed it with her feet
 
"Good morning!" said the bumble-bee "and how do you do?"
He was unaware of doom impending
In panic, Albertina's blood vessels engorged and grew
She screamed and curdled her own blood, the volume kept ascending
 
The poor little bee, it was struck down from the sky
The shockwaves plastered it square on the floor
And Albertina kept on screaming, bleeding from one eye
She clasped her chest, fell on the bee, and then she was no more

An Hour to Bed

An hour  getting ready for bed

an hour  before I lay down my head

an hour's what it takes, yes that's what I said

an hour to get from my bathroom to bed.

and in that time I feel pampered and sacred

decadent time, I might even be naked

maintenance time, flossing and moisturising

excessive time, completely mesmerising

Yes, an hour, I insist on it every day

to keep plaque and pimples and wrinkles at bay

I stare in the mirror and what do I say?

Nothing.

Anne

Anne is a spinster. It says on her I.D.
She's never had her own baby
At 41 she's running out of time
Her friends have families, and for Anne - no sign
But what she wants is a collection of kids
But here's the big mistake she did:
 
She ignored the boys and focused on the babies
Perfecting maternal qualities
She coos and smiles when she sees fresh spawn
But that won't help her get some babies born
Ambiguous in her sexuality
And in her sights - no fathers be
 
Being a bridesmaid is like her second job
then after the wedding she will sob.
The baby showers she throws are top notch
But there's no lust sparkling in her crotch
A dozen times she's asked to be Godmother
She's rather that to a lover
 
Maybe she's gay, or never met the right man
Anne doesn't seem to have a plan
But she has daydreams of being a mum
and having 20 children and then some
But with her life going down this track she can't
She'll have to settle as an Aunt.



 

Best Intentions

Lovely lady

Why so sad?

Crying into your cookie dough

I'm watching you

I know it's bad

Through your kitchen window

You've been taking some time off

because you have been blue

I've missed you in your absence

That's why I'm stalking you

I wish you would

Let me inside

Climb in your kitchen window

Then in my arms

You will confide

why you're full of sorrow

Bitches

You're naturally merry and let your red kisses roam

The guys will get in trouble with their girls when they get home

Your personality is clearly of polychrome

but as I am the ombudsman of the X chromosome

I've taken you aside to tell you that you should refrain

Some of the people here hold you in absolute disdain

There is no point in me giving you the complainant's  name

All I'll say is the girl's friendships with you are all feigned

This is not the kind of place to wear an evening gown

When a man approaches you, then you should shut him down

You should turn your flirty  smiles into hardened frowns

And think before you do something dumb and look like a clown

When boys are being boys, it's  your duty to stand aside

Even though it looks fun and you really  want to try

Think about  your reputation when things go awry

Conceal your amusement and don't even glance or pry

I am telling you this because I drew the short straw

The girls said they don't want you in our group any more

They are sick of defending their boyfriends that you paw

I'm just the messenger, but we all think you're a whore

I'm sorry you're crying but it is all for the best

And I'm not a bitch for getting this thing off my chest

The guys won't miss you either, there will just be one girl less

So now you should go home and then burn your party dress

Now you are spoiled to us , your welcome's overstayed

When you clean up, you'll find your own group, maybe, one day

And there is just one more thing I should add, if I may

Lipstick doesn't suit you, you should throw that shit away.

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Boyfriend a Puppy

Boyfriend had a vasectomy

it was 10 years ago

Kim wanted boyfriend to have it reversed

but her boyfriend sternly said no

Kim bought her boyfriend a puppy

 it was her boyfriend's birthday

she knew her boyfriend's allergic to dogs

but she did it anyway

Boyfriend rejected the puppy

and then Kim commenced to a cry

Told her to keep it away from him

then she told a small white lie

She announced that she would keep it

and take it, right now, to be spayed

but she took that puppy to a breeding farm

to get inpregnatingly laid

a couple of short months later

puppy gave birth by the score

Boyfriend gave Kim a big ultimatum

and Kim lied to Boyfriend once more

Kim then hid all of the puppies

safe in the tool shed outside

Next day Boyfriend had found all of them

When Kim saw them again, they'd died

Kim ran right over to boyfriend

but she couldn't say anything

Then she said yes and her tears turned to joy

accepting his engagement  ring

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Floor Coffee

She dunks the mop into the bucket

And sees the water turning brown

She gets a hankering for coffee

And her frown turns upside down

She takes a can of granulated

And when she begins to pour

She's so excited about coffee

She slips on the fresh washed floor

The coffee scatters like confetti

Wet reconstitutes the mounds

a million little dots of coffee

being brewed upon the ground

She thinks about it for a second

And then gets down on all fours

And just because she knows she cleaned it

She's licks coffee off the floor

Favour

Do a girl a favour and she'll be grateful indeed

She'll be obligated to repay you for your deed

It's ladies choice and up to her exactly what she'll do

And you'd have hit the jackpot if she says she'll sleep with you

If you are less lucky then she might pay you in cash

Or set you on a blind date with her friend wearing a sash

She could give you her gold watch, that wouldn't be so bad

She might knit you a jumper, all intricate and plaid

She could own up to that smell, that's a burden off you

or "forget" those disgusting things that she saw you do

She could return the favour in trade- if she's astute

But it's only worthwhile if she is a prostitute

She could show up at your door with a cake in her hand

Let's hope she's no diet nut who makes her cakes all bland

Or you might strike out big time if she pays with "thank you"

Then that's a wasted favour and all efforts are on you

Flourish

She says she’s a magical gardener
& says it quite naturally
 
She claims she can grow any flower
Anyplace that there could be
 
All that it takes is her magic
& a bag of manure, that’s it
 
Then there should be flowers growing out of her mouth
because she is so full of shit

Epiphrisbee

One fine day she was out at the park

having an epiphany

She was seeing the light when it all went black

curtsey of a rogue Frisbee

She was taken aback

when she got to her feet

The epiphany retracted

in full retreat

She's as frustrated as can be

for losing her epiphany.

It's on the tip of her lips

She can taste it on her tongue

She's pretty sure it's got something

to do with a cream bun

If it's the last thing she gets done

She'll see that Frisbee thrower hung.

Shopping for Mother In Law

I'm to go shopping for mother in law

I never find shopping trite or a bore

I have instructions, but I know the gist,

I won't write it down, I'll sing my shopping list!

spongy green apples and sanitary pads

crackers and sugar and beer for the lads

somebody's candy, someone else's car

garden fresh lemons congealed in a jar

kilo of berries, the perfect amount

and I'm going to get them five finger discount!

Toilet and newspaper, hot chili sauce

strong chocolate laxatives with no remorse

vegan broth cubes and a small side of lamb

shopping for mother in law, yes I am

expired milk for calcium intake

it doubles as yoghurt , for goodness sake!

because it's on sale I'll get 15 sacks

of wholesome, nutritious Soylent green for cats

I can't wait to see the look on her face

when I bring her shopping and my warm embrace

Trans Test

Boyish nature has become corrupt

She's finally going to get dollied up

Her beauty regime is applied without haste

the final result is an acquired taste

It's just for today and it's all in good fun

Her intention isn't to fool anyone

All that she wants is to see how it feels

to dress as a girl and go out in high heels

Then she gets shy and decides to stay in

but not without proof of the state that she's in

She takes a few snapshots all girly and sweet

then superimposes herself on a street.

Girl Next Door

The girl next door is a big weirdo
She dresses exactly like me
Every night I look, I catch her staring
over the fence and the tree.
She gives me the heebie-jeebies
She copies everything I do
So I told my mother about her
But she scoffed and just said it's not true.
I do not feel safe in my bedroom
With her bedroom  across from mine,
Whenever I look out my window
She's looking back every time.
I want a restraining order.
I want her to be put away.
I have no idea when she moved in
And she's never out during the day.
It's funny, whenever I see her,
It's dark and her curtains are closed.
The light shining brightly from my house
Illuminate her every pose.
Mother told me it's a reflection,
It's me bouncing back off the glass
And that's why she looks just like I do
And why I've never seen her in class.
But this theory is terrifying
I must censor all that I see
Because everywhere there is reflection
I know she'll be looking at me.
I matt-painted every slick surface
There's no shiny thing I can trust
I sandpapered all of my mirrors
and she watched as I breathed in the dust
I am riddled with paranoia
I can't leave my velvet lined tomb
I see the girl in Mother's glasses
So Mother's not allowed in my room
The girl got in via the light bulb
so I had to throw it away
In haste, the bulb dropped and she cut me
Defending her right to survey.
petrified and now light headed
I bleed out a pool on the floor
I looked into the shiny blood puddle
The girl was the last thing I saw



 

The Nudist

She's dressed to the nines
& most of the time
she's overdressed for the occasion
But she's got the nerve
to be somewhat a perv
She's au naturel in persuasion
Everyone knows
she's naked under her clothes
She likes to be nude round the clock
& she can be nude constantly
on the technicality
so long as it's under her frock

 

The Town Bike

She rode in on the town bike to the doctors surgery

She brought with her a wet blue stick, on which she had to pee

She expressed her confusion about the pregnancy

The doctor showed diagrams and explained accordingly

She's got a bun in the oven, but in reality

It's more like the bun's in a microwave facility

Everyone in the town got their 30 seconds worth

And she had no idea that it might result in a birth

She rode back out on the town bike feeling sad and alone

So she took a deviation down a road of cobblestones

Her joie de vivre replenished so she did it again

She went over the cobbles and most certainly came

There's a dead bun in the oven in the town microwave

Cause she overdoes it, for orgasms she's a slave

The foetus was shaken, it dislodged on the ride

And proceeded to eject itself along with her come tide

Virgin Bride

I'm the luckiest guy because my wife-to-be

 is completely intact with her virginity.

She's pretty and sweet with a killer body,

I like to think she saved it special for me.

I can't wait to see my new bride in the buff.

I'll stare and I'll stare until I've stared enough,

and then I will gorge on my little sweetie,

have my wicked way, and pop her ripe cherry.

Then the time came for us to consummate.

I found out the hard way a little too late.

She cringed and said: Sex, it just wasn't her thing,

but I'm a nice guy, that why she took my ring.

???????????????????????????????

"I thought that this wasn't a problem for you!

You always led me to believe that was true!

You said that you'd LOVE to have a virgin bride!"

...and my blood vessels burst and then my ego dived.

Because of this marriage, my luck has been culled,

and I think it's too late to have it annulled.

My sweet Virgin Bride, a big virgin she'll stay,

and I'll have no choice but to go out and stray.

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​Wee Tigerlily

Little Tigerlily,

she's tiny as can be

She's a social butterfly who always needs to pee

Forever in the toilet,

but it's not dysentery

Cause drinking too much water is her first priority

She used to be spotty

with pizza-like acne

But cause she's small it covered over most of her body

She made a decision

to make her skin tidy

But overcompensation doomed her to the lavatory

She's a real fun lady

when she's out to party

But more often than not, she's dancing to stop a wee

Next thing you know, she's bolting

and saying "excuse me..."

It's mighty irritating to the first and third degree

Most people meet her queuing

at the W.C.

That's the place to find someone who pees so frequently

And so I say thank goodness

I'm not diabetes-free

Or I'd never have time with my wee Tigerlily

Dolly's Trip

Dolly wakes up in the early morn

to the sound of her neighbour, who's mowing his lawn.

With eyes all a glaze she sits up in her bed

and notes the sharp throbbing from inside her head.

She pauses a moment to take in the view:

an empty scotch bottle, a bucket of spew...

Her glassy eyes widen, her little jaw drops

as she vaguely recalls having outrun the cops!

Yesterday she was dumped, and she got fired too,

so naturally, called up her best friend Loulou.

And a girl's night was had, and they had a good time,

and they both hung their dignity out on the line.

And a toast was declared "Who needs jobs and men -

when you've got a cute cat, and high heels from Sweden!"

Loulou got arrested - as she normally does,

But that wasn't going to spoil Dolly's buzz.

She blew all her money and so she went home

to continue festivities all on her own.

-Went nuts with the gummy bears in-between drinks.

"I need a new look, a new haircut, methinks!"

The rest was a blur as her mind went astray

until she was roused by the taste of ashtray.

Her sleep had been brief, 10 minutes or so

then something strange started, and what, she don't know.

The walls began twisting from outside to in.

That dud trip she took was just now kicking in!

The blades of the mower were coming for her!

She tried to cry "help!"  but came out as a slur.

Frozen by fear, she remained in her bed

and nervously pulled at the hair on her head.

This time she could scream when she felt a chunk missing.

"Your hair's been lawn mowed!" her cat told her, hissing.

The walls swooped around her. Her screaming ensued

with nowhere to hide, no way to eschew.

It went on like that for three hours - tops.

All the neighbours woke up, then they called out the cops.

By the time they arrived, she'd already come down.

"What's all the commotion?" asking in her night gown.

Then a light bulb clicked on above Dolly's small head:

"(They've come for me now, because last night I fled!)"

She thrust out her arms for cuffs to be applied

"I'm so sorry, Officer!" She desperately cried.

"Are you alright, Ma'am? We thought you'd been harmed."

She drew a blank, then her anxiousness calmed.

She excused herself nicely, and bolted the door.

"That was a close one!" then passed out on the floor.

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Immaculate Toast

This sleeping beauty, at a rented hut

Is on her island getaway.

She finds the time passing ever so slow

Hours never seem to decay.

Two rums for breakfast, while waiting for toast

Leaned over a bench on the sand.

Her intoxicated eyelids give up

And hurtle her towards dream land.

Sun burning brightly, cicadas and birds

Are singing their magical song.

She hates cicadas, but that didn't stop

A brave one from coming along.

It flashed a smile and greased its way in

To a vacant space on her hair.

Little did she know that hours had passed

And the cicada's skin gave birth there.

Then an explosion and her toast pops up

And her eyes spring out of her head.

And there on the toast is a pretty good likeness

Of Jesus burnt into the bread.

She picks up a knife and reaches for butter

And some kind of spread that is sweet.

Then she discovers she has a numb bottom

And pins and needles in her feet.

And to her misfortune, she's burnt like a bitch

It hurts like a sting from a bee.

Well, that's bound to happen, and so she proceeds

To scrape off the burnt effigy.

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Mrs Thistle

After her husband leaves for his work
and she slams the door and calls him a Jerk,
Mrs. Thistle ties her pink apron on
and puts on her favourite thrash metal song.
She washes the dishes and gets out a roast
and throws away her husband's ungrateful toast.
She sweeps the floor and takes her rollers out
and slathers red lipstick all over her pout.
She pushes the couch a little to the right.
She plunges the toilet with all of her might.
She folds the clean laundry and puts on a load
as she waits for Milkman to visit her abode.
Twenty minutes later with sex-tousled hair,
She ushers happy Milkman out of there.
She puts on her knickers and lights up a fag
and buffs silver cutlery with an old rag.
Brimming with her recent antics-perverse,
She checks her reflection and picks up her purse.
She heads out for groceries wearing a glow
and comes home in time for her soap opera show.
The locksmith comes over and she gives him money
Now her husband's locked out and she thinks it's funny.
By 6oclock, Mr. Thistle is greeted
by a view of his dinner, and naked  wife, seated.
She glares at him through the dining room window
and threatens to call police if he won't go.
He breaks the backdoor glass and lets himself in
takes the roast and his wife to the bedroom in sin.



 

Mable's Bath

Mable was feeling unloved and alone
so she drew a hot bath and brought in the phone.
She called up her mum, and her gay brother too
but they both had something fabulous to do.
Her girlfriends had dates, or tickets to shows
while Mable stayed home with that zit up her nose.
She flicked through a magazine till she got bored
and thought about shoes that she couldn't afford.
She turned to a prune, lying there in the tub
dispensing a self-gratifying foot rub.
She shaved off her armpits, then stared at the wall
where she saw her self-esteem continue to fall.
Her mind wandered over the bad side of the tracks
vulnerable to muggings and vicious attacks.
It purchased cocaine from a shady young man,
Pimped itself out to a freak named Tarzan.
Appropriated a cardboard box
then traded unwisely for plague-laden socks.
three years had passed and It was on death's door
It didn't want drug use and whoring no more.
So It crawled back to Mable, a corpse in the bath
It climbed in the tub and it started to laugh.
Mable's poor mind, reduced to a dimwit
and all it could say was "Mable, you look like shit."

Action Anna

She's fighting hard just for you

Unphased, she keeps doing what she's told to

Controlled behind a computer screen

Collecting points you can redeem

Action Anna is awesome

From one player right up to a foursome

The crude display is really old-school

That's what makes it really cool

What pickles she gets herself into

There seems no escape

The buttons are a little prone to

Stick down and break

It's really nice to see her

Freeze frame and masturbate to the picture

Action Anna, the girl of my dreams

In my MS-DOS machine

Notorious Ladies

Notorious ladies squeal with each other
Find Mr. Right & maybe a lover
Don't lift a finger & eat a whole cake
All the while crying they cannot lose weight
 
Bursting wardrobes with nothing to wear
Straighteners & curlers set fire to their hair
Ill-fitting bras, ridiculous shoes
Always number one - never number twos
 
Gaga for babies, puppies & kittens
Wants every man to be jealously smitten
Pre-menstrual syndrome for every excuse
Self-medicating & substance abuse
 
Nail polish shades for every mood
Bad attitudes, obnoxious & crude
Vacuum packed jeans & cleavage galore
"Don't look at my breasts!" as they flaunt them some more
 
Scans up and down sizing up competition
Fear of rejection in which they all live in
Working two jobs for income like a man
Pursue like a wolf & retreat like a lamb
 
Spend half their lives locked in the bathroom
Prodding and prepping, excessively groomed
Polka dot nighties & cute little hearts
Interests in fashion, degree in the arts
 
Needy for cuddles but don't touch the hair!
Collections of lace-riddled underwear
Popular jargon & misleading questions
Deeply offended at harmless suggestions
 
Bitch with the girls & flirt with the boys
Bedrooms all dripping with fluffy stuffed toys
Diet starts Monday, by Tuesday it's finished
Willpower levels completely diminished
 
Bent wrists with wiggles, or struts on a mission
Power dressing to get that position
Body dysmorphic disorders aside
Wears that bikini with courage & pride
 
Bleeds for five days & still doesn't die
Thankful that she wasn't born as a guy
In front of cameras they’re striking their poses
Farting is rare & they smell just like roses
 
Way too much perfume, will trade sex for love
Notorious ladies for all the above
That's why we love them & despise them too
...after all...If it were not for ladies there wouldn't be you! 

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Paranoid Banana

I'll give you my banking pin number

I'll shovel your shit for a year

I'll take the blame for your arson

I'll let you smell my underwear

I'll carry all of your shopping

You can ride on my back everywhere

I'll polish your boots every morning

I'll give you money when I swear

I'll cook you a big fancy dinner

And I will eat scraps off the floor

I'll lay my coat over a puddle

and I'll sing for you till my throat's sore

You can sell my extra kidney

I'll do whatever you say

All that I ask is just one thing

Don't take my banana away

Hairbrush

A lady should brush her hair every day.

It keeps her appearance ready for display.

One hundred  vigorous brush strokes or more

Will ensure her a life full of fellas, galore!

A popular girl will do it everywhere,

Down in the bomb shelter, or plane in the air,

In the bedroom or discretely outdoors.

Not brushing ones hair is only  for whores!

The feeling of brushing may not satisfy.

One may find it dull, even undignified,

but a lady keeps brushing, even if it's fake.

It's her duty to do it for gentleman's sake!

Old Friend

I remember a time when I had a friend

The best a Cowgirl could imagine

He didn't say much, and was mostly pretend

But boy, the guy could hold his Gin

We spent all our money on liquor and cards

And have nothing left to buy food

So we fed ourselves mainly on stolen lard

Or onions if we're in the mood

Then one day it dawned on me where lard came from

And I felt that my buddy should know

But when I told him, he whacked me with aplomb

And a dark fury which made him glow

When I came to, he was wearing a smile

and lard was all over his face

And that's when I bolted, and I ran a mile

At an incapacitated pace

I never saw my old chum again

and that, sometimes I regret

But cannibalism is way too insane

And disgusting for me to forget

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Flora

Flora's a twat and everyone knows.

She takes a flyswatter wherever she goes.

She always looks angry, with photos exception,

in photographs she always looks like perfection.

She eats nothing but steak and drinks only hard scotch.

Skirt so short, it’s common to see her crotch.

You can tell just by looking, without a hint

that her favourite 'colour' is Animal Print.

With her lamb leather shoes she’ll step on your toes

to find the best spot and then strike up a pose.

If ever a new bitch were to  come to town

Flora will find her and cut the bitch down.

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The Spanish Condesa

It's 1903 and the Spanish Condesa's performing her New Year's Eve duty,

She emerges once a year, puts on a show to count down for the rich and the snooty.

A lady-like fan teeters in her small hand and her accent is strong as thick bog- tar,

Alluring flamenco, though albeit badly, she dances to the Spanish guitar.

A voice like red velvet:  it's husky, and deep, and she blames it on practice -and smoking,

Though, as she gets older, her cough interrupts and it sounds a little like she's choking.

The Spanish Condesa disrobes on the stage and recites from encyclopaedias,

And mouths, all a-gape, display porridge of mauled red Rioja and gold Peladillas.

After describing her fate of the night, and selecting Picadors at random,

The crowd is in awe as she bucks on the stage bearing her nudity with abandon.

She's stabbed 19 times, plus additional 4, and the audience roar into high gear,

The Spanish Condesa just brushes it off, then goes home to recover for next year.

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Polly Polymath

She gets up with the sunrise without fail every day
And moseys over to the beach for petit dejeuner
Always there are leftovers and the ducks say "hooray"
And she relishes her breakfast wine, which helps her work and play
 
Polly has got something you'd be lucky to see:
It's an extravagantly secret identity
So in the day time she is quiet and contrary
But when day becomes night - she is a spectacle to see...
 
But first her daily duties when the sun is out shining
She's a triple checking bureaucrat  when papers need signing
And she'll sell you pungent meats and cheeses fit for a French King
Whilst she ensures all her networking with efficient timing
 
She's a sea-faring Sea Captain rolling high upon the waves
And a generous philanthropist, for charity she slaves
She's rebellious and risky, but she never misbehaves
While she's hanging exhibitions up in gallery enclaves
 
She's a hard-boiled Criminologist working with the police
She can cater massive parties with a little elbow grease
She's a Sino/Francophile, and cram-packed in her valise
Are exquisite import goods to make a conversation piece
 
She's a rootin' tootin' ninja with such deadly stealth and speed
She's a master of Taekwondo with a black belt guaranteed
She's a PGA Pro Golfer and she's always in the lead
And she sings to pickled businessmen and all of them pay heed
 
She's a certified mechanic and makes all her own baguettes
She's a skilled fiberglass castor, and grows her own cigarettes
She can build a boat from nothing and won't even get the sweats
While she gets all of this stuff done between sunrise and sunsets
 
...And now the sun has gone down and she's dragging at her heels
Our poor Polly is too pooped to show the self that she conceals
So she'll skip it for tonight and consider how she feels
About doing it tomorrow after all her days ordeals!
 
Oh! Polly Polymath, you are the busiest of bees
Where on earth do you get all your endless energy?
This evening we will miss you, although that's okee dokee
Cause you're far more elusive than the Tibetan Yeti!

The Recipe

Find a book on Biology...
Check it out from the library...
Learn about all the birds and bees...
Realise a conspiracy...
Mummy told me, especially...
She would know because she had me...
Babies are made perpetually-
In the confines of family...
The diagrams that I see-
Show displays of debauchery...
Woman's hoo-hoo and man's pee-pee-
Come together in travesty...
Show the books to my mummy...
I'm a bad girl, apparently...
Science books are pornography...
Now I'm banned from the library...

Miss Gold Digger

How do you do, Miss Gold Digger?
Are you sure you're panning the right place?
There are much younger men over yonder
With much bigger fortunes to chase.
 
We laugh when you say your profession
Is anything other than 'whore'
But your choice of Daddy is perplexing
And our imaginations need more.
 
When we see you, we screen our 'blue movies'
Quietly  in the back of our heads,
Eagerness is all over our faces
We want to try you out in our beds
 
You must have been robbed from your cradle
You're a victim, a prize in a cage.
And you must have been a home wrecker
You're the villain of wives - middle aged.
 
But how can you hold conversations
When you're only a mail-order bride?
And then how can you be intellectual
When  you're good for nothing but a ride?
 
Give us more, please, Miss Gold Digger.
We want our fingers in your pie.
Your Daddy is so very lucky
It's not fair, he doesn't even try!

Moon Cake Rape

Melinda, the Mooncake Virgin

She's deathly allergic to eggs

I want her to witness a pleasure

That makes her go weak at the legs

So I found a syringe and some serum

For anaphylactic shock

I will bind her tightly in bondage

And fasten the chains with a lock

Then place in her mouth my sweet moon cakes

Massage her throat till they go down

Then medicate her in the buttocks

And think nothing more of her frown

But first I will have to catch her

And introduce myself

Cordially at your service

Hi! I'm Pervis, The Mooncake Elf

Little Notes

She's left me  a note. She's left me a note

She's gone to town and left some blasted thing to connote

This has got to be a sickly compulsion or such

Her abuse of paper is excessively too much

She's baking a cake- that means she's leaving a note...

She's stuffing her written messages right down my throat

The note is perched, I kid you not, on top of the cake

It reads: "My Darling, this is cake" -Oh for goodness sake!

She's not mute, I've heard her talk the back legs off a mule

Even with logorrhoea , the notes would win the duel

They're obscene and cause my suffering of syncope

She's write a note about how she had left a note for me

The way she scratches with her pen, with fervour, so profound

There is only so much alphabet to go around

And she's using it all up on her infernal notes

And I'm convinced that my death is her only antidote

I used to find them cute and now they make me sneer and scoff

One day I'm going to find a knife and chop her right hand off

But I'm not sure that my freedom would last while I'm in jail

Cause soon she'd send me left hand notes, clogging the prison mail